Be still my beating heart. It's almost bursting with thoughts that I ponder upon...
As the countdown to my 26th begins, I find myself going back to the same realization over and over again; after much thinking and comparison between how I was before and who I am now, I have come to terms with the discovery that I have changed... and I can never go back to the way I was.
When I was younger, I always described myself as easy to get along with. Mainly because I find that it wasn't hard for me to conform with people from both sides of the pole: the good and the bad; the optimists and the pessimists; the naughty and the nice. And these people have no trouble dealing with me because I'm game with adjusting my ways to theirs. Maybe it's because of my laid-back attitude of going with the flow, or my mean streak that enables me to switch sides as easily. When I'm with my family and friends in the community, I am good, patient and compassionate, but in the company of other friends, in school or at work, I can easily stash away my conscience and be mean and stonehearted to the core. I wasn't purely evil, but it wasn't hard for me to laugh about the misfortune of others and talk behind people's backs. I could draw judgment on people based on the things they say without thinking if I did it prematurely. I could talk to other youth about God and conviction during the day and get drunk with my friends at night. Of course I would feel guilty afterwards. When I started working I passed the blame on the environment I was in. I'd say that it comes with the job (I used to work in public relations). I was trained to keep a smile plastered on my face on the outside when I am seething with anger on the inside. At the end of the day I needed to rant to my friends to let off steam and keep my sanity. But again I'd feel guilty afterwards.
It's not about not having a conscience that bothers me, because I know deep inside I really am more good than bad. It's how easily I can adapt to the good and bad. Like my faith has no backbone whatsoever to stand up for what it believes in. It came to a point that it was almost a comfort zone, knowing that no one could hurt me without me having the ability to hurt them back, and that when life on the good side was becoming such a bore, I could always turn the mean switch on. Having two sides of me kept me young and playful, it kept me vibrant and it made me interesting to people.
But that was then. Today, no matter how I wish that I still have that side of me so I wouldn't be as vulnerable, I don't think its still there. Before I could easily turn a blind eye when I hear or see people I know making fun of others or talking behind our friends' backs. Sometimes I would even indulge in these rumors. But now it's so hard to be in the same room with them when they do that. I would leave or else I would be so put off with our budding friendships. My tolerance for meanness dropped big time. And even if they somehow deserve it and my mind can think of several mean things to say about them in a matter of seconds, I choose not to, because if I do, then I'm not different from them after all. I couldn't ever bear to think that I'm better than any of them.
I can't exactly pinpoint what it is that changed me. Is it because living in Abu Dhabi took me out of my comfort zones and pushed me to let go of it completely, or am I simply getting old and maturing? Maybe it's a bit of both, and maybe also because I finally stopped resisting and started succumbing to the Lord's way of molding me to become the woman I want to be. I've heard or read it so many times before, but now I can attest to it: prayer and scriptures really shapes a person's character.
I don't mean to sound preachy but I thank God for His patience to change me at the perfect time, when I am starting a family of my own. When you empty your soul of all your inhibitions and surrender everything to Him in faith without holding anything back, He really fills you up. Our Lord hasn't changed. The God I serve then is the same God I worship now, but it's a renewed Camille that is serving Him. When I think of the possibility of slipping back to the old me, something tells me that I now have the strength to fight it this time.
I used to be in awe of the term conviction, because it's something that I have always admired in people, I have always aspired to have, but can never achieve. But having been able to break out of the chains of having a double life, I am giddy at the thought of the Lord finally giving me this gift. A backbone for my faith. And this is one of the best gifts I have received as I become 26 and a new woman.
Have a blessed day everyone!:)
As the countdown to my 26th begins, I find myself going back to the same realization over and over again; after much thinking and comparison between how I was before and who I am now, I have come to terms with the discovery that I have changed... and I can never go back to the way I was.
When I was younger, I always described myself as easy to get along with. Mainly because I find that it wasn't hard for me to conform with people from both sides of the pole: the good and the bad; the optimists and the pessimists; the naughty and the nice. And these people have no trouble dealing with me because I'm game with adjusting my ways to theirs. Maybe it's because of my laid-back attitude of going with the flow, or my mean streak that enables me to switch sides as easily. When I'm with my family and friends in the community, I am good, patient and compassionate, but in the company of other friends, in school or at work, I can easily stash away my conscience and be mean and stonehearted to the core. I wasn't purely evil, but it wasn't hard for me to laugh about the misfortune of others and talk behind people's backs. I could draw judgment on people based on the things they say without thinking if I did it prematurely. I could talk to other youth about God and conviction during the day and get drunk with my friends at night. Of course I would feel guilty afterwards. When I started working I passed the blame on the environment I was in. I'd say that it comes with the job (I used to work in public relations). I was trained to keep a smile plastered on my face on the outside when I am seething with anger on the inside. At the end of the day I needed to rant to my friends to let off steam and keep my sanity. But again I'd feel guilty afterwards.
It's not about not having a conscience that bothers me, because I know deep inside I really am more good than bad. It's how easily I can adapt to the good and bad. Like my faith has no backbone whatsoever to stand up for what it believes in. It came to a point that it was almost a comfort zone, knowing that no one could hurt me without me having the ability to hurt them back, and that when life on the good side was becoming such a bore, I could always turn the mean switch on. Having two sides of me kept me young and playful, it kept me vibrant and it made me interesting to people.
But that was then. Today, no matter how I wish that I still have that side of me so I wouldn't be as vulnerable, I don't think its still there. Before I could easily turn a blind eye when I hear or see people I know making fun of others or talking behind our friends' backs. Sometimes I would even indulge in these rumors. But now it's so hard to be in the same room with them when they do that. I would leave or else I would be so put off with our budding friendships. My tolerance for meanness dropped big time. And even if they somehow deserve it and my mind can think of several mean things to say about them in a matter of seconds, I choose not to, because if I do, then I'm not different from them after all. I couldn't ever bear to think that I'm better than any of them.
I can't exactly pinpoint what it is that changed me. Is it because living in Abu Dhabi took me out of my comfort zones and pushed me to let go of it completely, or am I simply getting old and maturing? Maybe it's a bit of both, and maybe also because I finally stopped resisting and started succumbing to the Lord's way of molding me to become the woman I want to be. I've heard or read it so many times before, but now I can attest to it: prayer and scriptures really shapes a person's character.
I don't mean to sound preachy but I thank God for His patience to change me at the perfect time, when I am starting a family of my own. When you empty your soul of all your inhibitions and surrender everything to Him in faith without holding anything back, He really fills you up. Our Lord hasn't changed. The God I serve then is the same God I worship now, but it's a renewed Camille that is serving Him. When I think of the possibility of slipping back to the old me, something tells me that I now have the strength to fight it this time.
I used to be in awe of the term conviction, because it's something that I have always admired in people, I have always aspired to have, but can never achieve. But having been able to break out of the chains of having a double life, I am giddy at the thought of the Lord finally giving me this gift. A backbone for my faith. And this is one of the best gifts I have received as I become 26 and a new woman.
Have a blessed day everyone!:)
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