Lately I have been putting off writing again and it sucks. Because I feel like I have all the time in the world, but I would rather go to the gym, read a book, watch TV and recently, sleep than write. Meanwhile, everyone in my household seems to be writing. Our father makes a living and tries changing the world by his legendary writing, my elder brother juggles between acting and writing comedy for TV, my sister, the film student, is working on a script for her thesis, and surprisingly, our baby brother, the hardcore athlete and dancer, is also a budding poet. Our mother and other brother are off the hook from writing because they have more skills than we can ever have, and it will just be so unfair if they can write too.
So that leaves me feeling guilty, because I was, am supposed to be the writer in the family. The one following my father's footsteps (However, I am leaning on following my mother's footsteps as the revolting feminist inside me says that there is nothing degrading in being a housewife). Colleagues, bosses used to refer to me as a gifted writer and sometimes there are situations where I don't even put an effort and I can't help but feel that it comes naturally, but lately, I haven't been doing it - at all.
It sickens me, because writing is my core, my first love, and my life. I pride myself on being a writer. I used to say, "give me and pen and a paper and I'm good." With a matching smug face. Now it's more like "Give me a pen and paper and I freak-out."or I run. As fast as I can. I don't know why. Maybe it's the pressure I give myself that because I have so much time in my hands, I have to write breakthrough pieces. Or since I am so "good", then the next piece that I should write should be dynamic or heart-stopping. But it really doesn't work that way, does it? I am no wonder-kid. I was just a girl who loves to write. Or maybe I still am.
Maybe it's because I'm also struggling and kind of doubting my voice. Every writer has a point of view and I don't know what mine is at the moment. I admire some of my friends' writing style that I can only describe as deep and very literary, where words have hidden meaning and messages that cut through your soul. But I am not a tortured soul so while I admire them, it was never my dream to express myself like that. My father, when he writes, is always inspiring. He writes a song and a whole nation is inspired. My brother writes scripts for comedy and it's usually his take on guy-humor. My sister is slowly becoming one of those writers who make indie films, and our youngest brother might just be the tortured soul in the family, writing about his angst and unrequited love. I realize that I should write a separate story about my father and our family one of these days. So where does that leave me? Former professors describe my writing as very tongue-in-cheek, and I somehow agree with them. I write things and situations as they are, sometimes with sarcasm, but always finding a way to make the truth seem funny and amusing. It's the kind that you find in blogs and chick lit. So... with that said, I don't know if I can ever have a niche here. There are so many writers in the Philippines, so many magazines who talk about girl stuff, I don't know if I can ever be one of them. Maybe I am doomed to just write within the walls of my room.
Or not. Maybe it's time I stop over-analyzing my writing and just do it. That's what I do best anyway - write. What's in my heart, what I feel, what I think is funny. What I love about life. That despite setbacks and challenges in life, there are still some things to smile about. Tongue-in-cheek and romantic bordering on cheesy. And maybe someday, somehow, a girl will take comfort in my writings.
So now, I am immersing myself to as much works of the successful chick lit writers of my generation. I just want to see what made them successful, what made them stand out from the rest. And hopefully someday, I can see my work in line with theirs in Fully Booked. Dream on. So I am currently reading the works of Sophie Kinsella, Candace Bushnell, Meg Cabot, Emily Giffin, but I also will include some Paulo Coelhos and Nicholas Sparks in the mix. I have also thought of taking an indefinite hiatus from this blog, because none of the things that I want to write about would seem to do justice to this blog's title. But then I realized, this is my blog. I can write whatever I want. My space, my rules. This blog entry contradicted what I set off to do anyway.
So, here's to writing. I am inspired, and might spend the whole night writing if I'm lucky.
But now I have to go, I need to hit the gym in a while. And oh, for the benefit of the purpose of this blog, I made a sandwich a while ago. My invention, though it was a no-brainer really. Chicken barbecue sandwich. It was yummy. Chicken breast and barbecue sauce is love ;)
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