Now enters the new dilemma. As I tread the path to my new life, the road to domesticated bliss, I noticed that I am several steps away from becoming the woman I've always aspired to be - simple, gentle, submissive, humble and ladylike, or at least organized. The kind of woman that saints are made of and that husbands dream about. Loving, supportive, thoughtful and obedient. But as I make my way towards that woman, there's a girl inside me that wants to get out. It's the girl that I once was. This girl's got an awesome flair for fashion and the finer things in life, and an insatiable zest for fun. She's confident and ambitious,strong-headed, and is not easily swayed or influenced. Yet at times she can be impulsive, witty but not mean and sarcastic. And because she knows her place in the world, she moves freely and nonchalantly, believing in the best in people or circumstance. Truth be told, I miss her. For she is quite a girl. And her life is both fun and exciting. Now, she is demanding to get out, for she has been kept hidden for so long. And because she's carefree and independent, she needs some air or she'll die inside.
I want to let her out, but I don't know how she'll fare with the woman I'm becoming. I'm worried they might clash. Other people might not like it. So now I'm torn on who I like more. The girl has so much fun it's crazy while the woman is just so contented and grounded. Inside my head the two are fighting and I'm scared I'll lose myself even more in the process. So it's true what they say, that sometimes the toughest wars or conflicts are not those between us and other people, but those that live within ourselves.
But then, I learned from somewhere (okay, one Gossip Girl episode) that you don't have to lose the girl to become a woman. And I realized that it's true. I don't want to be perfect and organized every single day and every single time about everything. I can still be fun-loving but compassionate, strong-headed but still submissive (to my husband, at least). Witty, but thoughtful and considerate. I can live simply but still like clothes. These two girls, they don't have to fight over me, they just have to compromise. I just have to know when it's safe to let the girl out and when it's time for the woman to take the reins. That will do for now, until they learn to live with each other, until I've learned to accept that they are both a part of me and that's what makes me a unique and beautiful creature.
When they reach symbiosis and are in complete harmony with each other, that'll be the day. Elegance... now that's timeless and what I am trying to achieve. Anyway, I don't want to be remembered for being perfect. I'm no Mother Theresa. But I want people to remember me as that fun, clumsy girl who had the principles of a woman. Who is not perfect and somehow conflicted, but just loved others so freely.
I'm not quite sure when that day will be, but I've got a lifetime to figure it out and worry about my epitaph. Right now, the girl's got to write and the woman's got to cook.
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